Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 2.693
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
A/N: Beta by qafkinnetic - thanks a lot!
I just haven't figured out yet, how many parts this story will have. Depends on how it works out. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
I tried to ignore that feeling, it’s not new for me, actually it’s already familiar for me. Every night he didn’t call, every time I hear the elevator and just imagine it is him, but of course it isn’t, every email he didn’t answer the same day...feels like a goodbye.
It was new that I even felt like he was saying goodbye when I was with him, but I guess it was just a matter of time. So I tried to ignore it and started to enjoy that he was here and to obliterate the fact that there was a biopsy and a possibly cancer treatment coming up.
Every time we fucked, or he sucked me or even kissed me, I wished I wouldn’t miss him so much when he was gone. I wished the tricks would fill this emptiness, even sometimes, so that I hadn’t to deal with the knowledge that I would miss him again the second he got back to New York.
I also wished I could figure out how he managed to be so calm about it. It didn’t seem to bother him that it was always just a short time, even though four weeks were longer than the usual 2 days. He always said, he missed me, but he seemed to be able to handle it way better than me.
He laid beside me and smiled at me. "It’s so good to be here."
He took my hand. "Look, I know you worry about the lump, but I..."
"Can we just...not talk about it, please?" I interrupted him. Of course I was worried, but for some reason I hadn’t figured out yet, I wasn’t as half as nervous, scared or worried than the last time. I just wanted to walk it off.
He fell asleep soon and I just watched him. It felt unreal having him here and somehow I didn’t want to fall asleep, but of course I did and when I woke up the next morning he was still there and as moody as always when the alarm woke him up. I leaned forward to kiss him and then I went to the bathroom. I needed to go back to the office. There was no reason to not to. Okay, there was a naked, beautiful, moody reason in my bed.
When I was done with showering and dressing, he was still asleep. At least he pretended to be.
"Any plans for today?" I asked.
He blinked tired and yawned. "Where’d you go?"
"I have a company to run."
"And a boyfriend to fuck."
I looked at him and frowned. "Will he be here when I come home so I can fuck him?"
He smiled sleepily. "You can bet your ass he will be."
I kissed him. "Later."
When Brian didn’t show up on Thursday I knew the reason and I was relieved. Justin had made it and whatever was coming up, he could handle it. He always did. Only god alone knows how, but he did.
But I also knew that Brian would be back at Kinnetic on Friday, there was an important appointment with a new client. So I tried to avoid him and it worked, until lunchtime.
"Theodore," he called me while I tried to pass the floor along his office.
"Bri," I just said and nodded.
He had this sadistic smile on his face, the one that makes everyone insecure, no matter if you had done anything wrong or not. I knew I did the right thing, but more important was if Brian was thinking the same.
"Wanna tell me anything?" he asked.
I just shrugged and held my tuna sandwich with both hands. "What’s there to say? It was quiet in here yesterday."
He nodded, still with that sadistic smile on his face. "Justin showed up at the hospital. Do you have any idea how he figured out I would be there."
I shrugged again. "Some studies say that long term-lovers do have a really close connection. Maybe he felt that something was wrong and..."
"Oh, please." He laughed and shook his head.
"I thought you might need him."
"For an annual blood test?"
I cleared my throat. "You already had this blood test in March, so I knew it must be about something else. Is... is...it back?“
He just looked at me, endless seconds. Then he shook his head. "No, well, I don’t know, but the doctor said he doesn’t expect it to be cancer."
Puh! "Well, that’s good news."
"Yeah, you’re fired."
"Yeah...," I nodded before I realized what he just said. "What?!"
He looked at me. "That’s what I decided to say to you when I realized who must have told Justin about the appointment. Unfortunately he already had joined the Ted Schmidt fanclub and so I can’t fire you."
"Oh." I frowned. "I’m sorry?"
"Yeah, me too, your fanclub is really boring, they always show up and ask me to do something good for you, you know like saving you from jail or making you the vice president of Kinnetic and such stuff."
I smiled. You have to love him. It’s masochism to do it, but you have to do it. I nodded. "Thanks."
"I won’t make you the VP."
"I know." I nodded. "So how long will he stay?"
"Wow." That was really long. "That’s great, so... is he moving back here?"
He looked me questioningly. "What? No. Why would he?"
"Because you’re here."
"That’s not a reason." He shook his head.
"Well, I admit I do respect your relationship. I mean, I couldn’t do that. I would always wondering what he’s doing when he’s not with me, I would wait for calls and emails and...him all the time. I would start doubting us, him, his feelings...I could never stay alone for so long, just waiting for someone to come home. The distance would kill me. You have no control, you have no overview, you lose connection, you know? I think I would prefer to break up, self protection. It seems inevitable."
"Really?" he asked while looking at the papers on his desk.
"Yeah. New York is New York. You don’t stay alone for long when you live there, right?" I laughed. "I never expected the two of you to keep it working, when Justin left, but you did and I am really impressed. And happy, too."
Sometimes things just go wrong in a way, you don’t see it coming. Sometimes you simply don’t see that something is wrong, because you are happy.
I was happy. I was scared about the biopsy, actually Brian seemed to worry a lot less about it than I did, but I knew we would make it. We did it before, we would do it again and so far we didn’t even know if it was cancer. There was still the possibility that everything was okay. And he didn’t even try to push me away so far.
So, I was happy. I was in Pittsburgh, I was with him and even though he went to the office on Friday, I was still happy to just be there, to hang out in the loft, to sit on the couch, to dance through the room, to shower in that gorgeous bathroom and to watch TV on that multi-plasma-thing Brian had bought a few months ago. It felt like being home, it felt all so real and familiar and I was just happy. I tried not to think about Saturday and the long Sunday before we finally would get the results on Monday.
I checked out my website, but so far there was only success with the Rage stuff. I wasn’t ungrateful for that, I loved Rage, I created him, I lived with him – at least for the next four weeks – but it wasn’t all mine and I just wanted to sell one of my pieces. At least one… until Christmas.
I decided to visit the cemetery. It was a really long time ago that I had visited my grandmothers grave and was there a better time to do it than Thanksgiving? So I went out for lunch – somewhere no one I knew would see me, because I decided to not call my mother or anyone else until the biopsy and the waiting was over and I knew what was going on – and then I went to the cemetery and looked at the grave. I really hadn’t think about her very often and now I felt guilty for it. I knew she wouldn’t blame me, she was such a cool woman, a little like Debbie, maybe a little less crazy. I wondered what she would’ve said about me being gay.
I went back to the loft and checked on my website again. But honestly, that’s a frustrating thing to do, waiting for something to happen and checking on it every 30 seconds – not a good idea. When Brian came home I was sitting on my laptop watching some funny Powerpuff Girls videos on Youtube.
"Chatting with some friends?" he asked while watching me.
"Nope. Daph wasn’t online."
"What about the big city." He walked to the bedroom for changing his clothes. I frowned while looking after him. Why didn’t I get a kiss?
"I doubt Noelle already misses me, I’ve just been gone for 30 hours."
"You really should stop hanging out with fag hags, look out for hot guys, hot fucks, new friends. New York is full of it."
He obviously was in a bad mood, his voice had this annoyed and bored sound. I closed the laptop and followed him to the bedroom. Now the weekend was coming up and normally that was a good thing, maybe he just needed some distraction.
"Do you want to go out dancing?" I asked. "We could go to Babylon later. I wasn’t out dancing since months."
"I have to stay sober."
"You can drink water."
He looked at me as if I had said something really stupid. He was really in a bad mood. "Where’s the fun?"
I walked closer to him and helped him to take off his shirt. He rolled his eyes, but he let me help him. "I am the fun."
No answer, he just looked at me.
"Okay, what’s wrong? And don’t say nothing. Are you worried about tomorrow?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Why would I be? Just because the cancer might be back?" He shrugged. "Well, I’m sure the chemotherapy will be fun, I won't need all those hair care products anymore."
I swallowed. "Don’t be sarcastic, it’s not funny."
Again, no answer. He just looked at me, then he faced away. "I need take a shower."
"Want some company?"
"No, thanks. I can do it myself."
I looked after him, but he closed the bathroom door. So I put his clothes away and waited for him. I hated it when he was like that. Especially when he wouldn’t tell me what had changed his mood. When he had left the morning everything was fine. That was one of the reasons why I was so happy during the day.
When he came out of the bathroom, he still didn’t look at me while he put on his jeans and a white shirt. Then he went to the kitchen. I followed him.
"Is this how we’ll spend the evening? Being silent?"
He opened the fridge. "Not your strength, I know."
I pushed the door closed again and looked at him. "Fuck this, it won’t work."
"Hey, I want some water." His voice sounded almost bored.
"Don’t push me away."
"You’re here, aren’t you?" He tried to open the fridge again, I stopped him. He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Would you please...?"
"Not before you tell me what’s wrong. Everything seemed fine this morning, now you’re being a pain in the ass.“
"You’re free to go. Look out for someone else to spend your time with and now let me get my water."
I didn’t. I leaned against the fridge and crossed my arms. "Stop pushing me away, I’m not leaving."
"Oh, that’s new." He turned around and walked to the couch.
I followed him. "What?"
How can one single person be so complicated? "Brian, would you plea..."
"Just go! Go away, go back to New York. Why wait four weeks, it’s not necessary."
And how can one single person be so confusing? "Wow, one night and you’re already tired of me."
"Yeah, well, happens when you’re not used to having someone around 24/7 anymore."
"I know that feeling. I totally forgot what an upper class asshole you can be."
"Now you remember."
I sighed and shook my head. "I won’t go back to New York until Thanksgiving is over. And what is that shit about? What happened? There’s nothing and no one waiting for me in New York and you know that."
"You should change that."
I really got angry. I was happy and was waiting for him and I wanted to be with him and now he was all nasty to me without telling me the reason. "Fine, I’ll start changing it after Thanksgiving. Happy now?"
He nodded and faced away. "It’s inevitable."
I still had no idea what we were talking about or better, what we were talking around. "Okay, maybe it’s inevitable, but that’s not a reason to push it or to wait for it to happen."
He turned back to me and looked me straight in the eyes. "I didn’t had to wait very long, did I?"
I shook my head. "What’s that suppose to mean?"
My project? We were talking about my fucking project? "What about it?"
He shrugged. "Hm, I don’t know, you don’t tell me anything about it, you don’t tell me anything at all. You used to talk to me, you used to be euphoric about new things, plans and projects, but not this time. This time it’s different, why?"
"Because it is different!" Were we really arguing about my project? What was there to argue about? "This is not a school project, this is a life-changing project – maybe."
He nodded. "And I’m not a part of it."
What?! "So you’re pissed because I dared to plan and start a new project without telling you?"
He punched the table, but never looked away. "This is not about the fucking project, like I give a shit about the project! This is about you! You’re cutting me out!"
"No, no, this is so not about me!" I walked closer to him. If it was his plan to make me angry, he got what he wanted. I was really pissed. "I’m the one who keeps this relationship working, I’m the one who’s calling, I’m the one who’s planning visits. I’m not cutting you out. I try to handle this fucking New York-Pittsburgh long distance bullshit as good as possible!" I crosed my arms. "Unfortunately, I haven’t had a very supportive partner lately!"
I always hated it when he used his sarcastic laugh. He stood right in front of me, our bodies almost touching and he looked down on me. "A partner for what?! Reminding you to call? Reminding you to talk about new projects?!"
"Yes!" Now I was yelling. "This is exactly how a relationship used to work! Call me! Talk to me! Trust me!"
"I did!" he yelled back.
And then it was silent. I still had no idea what exactly we were fighting about. We just stood there, looking at each other.
Then he said: "You shouldn’t have come. I could’ve handled this alone."
I really thought we were done with that. We were done with it, we already were engaged for gods sake. When did it all changed back and why? "But I’m here. You won’t do the same fucking shit to me again, Brian! I’m done with that!"
He nodded. "Well, I guess this is a win-win situation for you. You can go back to New York immediately if it’s not cancer, I’ll pay you the flight. And if it is cancer, well, maybe luck is on your side, too."