Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 1.909
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta: My lovely mander3_swish - thank you :)
As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
01. Listen to me
02. Trust me
03. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
04. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
05. ...remember what's missing?
06. The Party
07. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
08. 1 wedding, 4 rings... 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12
09. The first Webcam Sex Chat
10. The first call
11. Expectations - Happy Valentine | Revenge
12. March 18th 2006
13. Aftermath - 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8
14. Be careful what you wish for
15. Changes - 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7
Sometimes you have make decisions, even if you don’t want to. However, sometimes it’s impossible to make a decision because whatever you decide to do, it won’t make you happy and won’t turn out the way you wanted it too.
But then… sometimes someone shows up and says just something and everything changes for you. The decision you have to make seems suddenly easy, and you wonder how you could have been so fucking blind.
Unfortunately… I had made a decision before someone said that something. And so I didn't drive to the airport after work and I didn't arrive at Pittsburgh at 8 PM - as I was supposed too. I arrived at Pittsburgh at 0.30 AM!
I was standing in my studio. It was dark outside, and there was only the moon that gave me any light. It was enough for me to see the amazingly huge canvas and the new set of brushes and paints. Happy Birthday.
“Fuck,” I mumbled and took out my cell phone. As I said, I had made a very stupid decision before.
“Hey,” I replied. Thank god he was still willing to talk to me. “Where are you?”
I nodded and closed my eyes briefly. He was at the loft, not out, not with someone else. I was expecting him to go out and to fuck away his anger because there was no doubt he was angry. He had every right to be. “Look, I… it’s just…” I sighed and shook my head. “Can I come over tomorrow morning? We need to talk?”
Silence… not a good sign, never a good sign.
“Where the fuck are you?”
“I’m in the house, in my studio. I just… I took the next flight and I drove out here and I saw the canvas and I…”
“Justin!” he interrupted me with a harsh tone. “Get your ass upstairs!”
Then he hung up on me and I just stared on my cell phone – again, before I left the studio and went back to the house, upstairs, just to find him in our bedroom, in our bed. He was here; he had called the house ‘home.’ I hesitated between smiling, crying, sighing, and doing nothing.
“I’m sorry,” was all I said while standing at the door, looking at him.
He shrugged. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay,” I disagreed and walked over to the bed. Why wasn’t he angry? He was supposed to be pissed at me, I was! “I was...”
“You were right,” he nodded.
I kneeled down on my bedside and raised an eyebrow. “About what?”
“This won’t last.”
When did I say something like that? As much as I remembered what I had told him was that I needed a break. That had been a huge mistake and a very bad decision and it was so not what I wanted or needed, but… “What?”
He kept looking at me. “I can’t give you what you want. I can’t make you happy, and every time I think you are happy and that everything is fine... you leave.”
Honestly, all I said was I need a break… “What?”
“What. What?” He rolled his eyes at me. “It seems to be the rule that I never see it coming and that I misinterpret every sign.” He shrugged. “I told you to make your decision where you want to be and you left, just to come back home that night so I thought that you had made your decision. You proved me wrong one night later. And… when I asked you to move in and Michael started his stepford-life, I thought, okay, things aren’t perfect, but we’re pretty solid, we’re going to make it. I had no idea that your stuff was already packed. And now, here we are. Sure, this long distance thing sucks like hell, but fuck, we’re not doing that bad! Well, at least I thought so. You think different. And I… can’t do this again, Justin. You were right from the beginning, this won’t last - it never has and it never will.”
“What the fuck?” I frowned. It’s very out of character for Brian Kinney to give me a speech like that, and he never talked about the past, how he felt back then, never! We never talked about Ethan or the Rage Party. At least he finally showed me some emotions and he was angry and hurt. “When did I ever say that this won’t last?”
“It’s obvious.” He shook his head. “You want kids, you want a family. And I don’t. I really don’t want that, I never did. And this not about me freaking out that I wouldn’t love the kid, this is about being honest. I’m not a family guy, I never wanted to have a family, and I never wanted to be a father. And don’t tell me I am a good father, that’s not the point.”
I was totally overwhelmed with an outburst of emotion like that. I didn’t see that coming. “Where’s this coming from?”
“It’s who I am. Just because we ignore it constantly doesn’t mean I’ve changed. We don’t fit. We never did. We never wanted the same things; we never had anything in common, except...”
“Except what?” I asked him when he stopped. “What are you trying to tell me?”
He closed his eyes briefly and looked down. “I don’t know.”
“What happened? I mean except the fact that I screwed it up this morning, but that’s only 14 hours ago, how did you come from then to… we never fit and this won’t last?”
“It’s so obvious. We can ignore that as long as you live in New York and I live here because you’re not here during the week and we’re not together 24/7...”
“We’ve been together 24/7 before.”
“And it didn’t work, did it?”
I was home to fix things, but that didn’t seem to be what he wanted to do. “Okay, Brian, look, I don’t know why yo...”
“I’m right and you know that.” He looked at me again.
“Yes I am!” He sighed. “Fuck!”
I had no idea where to start. Okay, things hadn’t been perfect lately, we had some problems and we needed to talk about it, but it hadn’t been that bad. “I never said I wanted to have a kid. I just said that maybe one day...”
“But there’s no maybe for me Justin,” he interrupted me and shook his head. “I would so fuck this up.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because that’s what I do! That what I always do! Come on, you know that! Everybody knows that! Look at us.””
“This is such a stupid conversation,” I said, still very confused. “We’re talking about things that don’t even matter right now!”
He nodded. “So we should wait until it is a matter?”
“That would be nice, yes.”
“What for?” he shrugged. “We both know how it’s going to ends.”
“I wasn’t prepared for that,” I mumbled and crawled a little closer to him. “How do you know that you would fuck it up? Just because people expect you to doesn’t mean it’s going to happen!”
“You don’t get it.”
Finally we agreed on something. “No obviously I don’t!”
“You should stop doing this; you should stop trying to change me. You could easily find a guy who would love to have a family with you and who would love to settle down, to live in a monogamous relationship, to stay home every night and to cook family dinners.”
Now I got angry, too. I had felt guilty the entire day, but now I was angry. How the fuck did he end up questioning our entire relationship, everything we had built and everything we had shared? ? Just because of I need a break? “Fuck you, Brian! It’s not me who don’t get, it’s you! This is not about me wanting a family, kids, a home, a commitment… it never was about that! It’s me wanting everything with you. It’s not the family, kids or commitment that matters, it’s you and me that matters!”
“I can’t give you that!”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Sooner or later you will,” he disagreed. “You already did once.”
“And you bought this house and those rings and you proposed to me,” I reminded him. “Are you now telling me that you never wanted this? That you never meant it? Is this your way of breaking up with me?”
We just looked at each other, he didn’t say anything. It had been a long without him saying anything, so I swallowed and nodded. “That’s a really long time to think about the answer.”
He shook his head. “I don’t have an answer.”
Ouch! “So... if I ever want to have a kid or a monogamous relationship you’re going to leave me?”
“No,” he answered immediately, “but you’re going to leave me.”
As I had done before… That wasn’t a very good point of departure for me. And the fact that I hadn’t seen that coming didn’t help either. . I had no time to think about anything, not even my answers. I just had to react. “You’ve never thought about having more than a backroom-life? And you don’t think that you could ever want more… with me?”
He looked down. “No.”
I hadn’t figured out yet if he was being honest or insecure or if he was just tried to push me away so that in the end it was me again who had to make the decision in which direction our relationship would lead. That he didn’t look me in the eyes when he answered made me doubting his words. “So we won’t even try?”
“A family is nothing you should have to try at.”
“Thank god we never got married, huh?”
“I came home because I thought I made a mistake this morning and I felt guilty and I missed you and I thought we had to work things out. Fuck this, I should’ve stayed in New York!” I crawled down from the bed. “Looks like I don’t have any reason to be here anymore!”
Sometimes you just have to challenge Brian Kinney to force his answer. He doesn’t like to lose, especially when he might be able to prevent it. I knew that we weren’t at the same position that we had been a few years ago when I left him because we didn’t want the same things from life and love. Today he was able to say Stay and I love you. But sometimes, Brian Kinney is just stupid and stubborn!
When I reached the door, I turned around, grabbed the shirt that was lying on the floor and threw it at him. “Would you fucking say something?! You can’t just sit there and let me leave – again! You’re a fucking coward! You could at least be honest enough to break up with me if that’s what you want!”
And then I got panicked. What if that was really what he wanted to do? What if he really meant it? What if he had decided for himself that being with me was not what he wanted anymore?
“I’m not the one who asked for a break!” he yelled and threw the shirt back at me.
I caught it and threw it back at him again. “It doesn’t seem like the worst thing I could ask for!”